confusion central
if you’re here, you are SO lost.

sometimes you have to ask yourself….(or not)

I should write more like my sister. 😉 …Or should I?  I mean, who knows who might read what I have to say?  Alas, further evidence that I know as well as anyone that old habits ::cough::paranoia::cough:: die hard…..

…on my original topic…I was thinking about the topic of secret-keeping earlier, especially in conjunction with a quote my younger brothers have been tossing around recently.  It’s one of Benjamin Franklin’s, and I’m not sure I agree with it.  It runs something like, “Three can keep a secret if two are dead.” I don’t think it’s true.  There’s a part of me no human will ever know unless I choose to share it with them.  For me, that’s a big unless.  Most people I know could care less.  Those who care haven’t shown me that they’re trustworthy (thus I haven’t shared – not because I hate them or fear their actual disapproval of what I think or feel, but because I’ve learned from experience that they will either lecture/attempt to indoctrinate me or share exactly what I say with someone else.

But I know there are people out there who would rather die than share others’ secrets.  Franklin’s words don’t ring true all the time.  People out there can be trusted.  Perhaps time will demonstrate otherwise in my case.  If the past is any indication, it’s almost certain to – but for now, I cling to my naivete. Let’s leave it like this…trying to hide everything – regardless of whether or not it actually needs security – until you (hope you) can get your act together isn’t a good plan:  Ask me how I know.  Yet for the accusations flung against me, I must admit that I, frail, flawed and woefully misled as I can be, do not feel God telling me that I sinned intentionally against him or anyone else.  Why not? some would ask.  Surely my unique situation indicates some form of punishment for an action or thought process.  Is my conscience dead?  Have I not yielded fully to those in authority over me?  Have I not been open enough with those I ought to be?  I’m not getting any clue from outside sources, so I’m going to have to trust God with those personal questions.  And in all truth, I’m certain that he will be able to give better answers than my “outside sources” will ever be able to.  So I look forward to being able to discuss this with him someday, free of the chains of suspicion, guilt, fear, and frustration.  That gives me an idea….let’s all discuss our secrets with God.  Like he needs to know…but hey, since he knows all these things better than we do, what do we gain by spilling our guts (quite messily, I might add!) to frail humans who can and most likely will be tempted to use what they know of us for their own purposes?  What do we get out of being “intimate” with anyone? Perhaps this isn’t what the authority over me intended me to take away from this discipline, but it’s what I’m getting.  What do you say?

On an off note, I do like this that my sister wrote…

“Truly, man is but dust. He is nothing. What can man do to me? Kill me? Like that would be really bad or something… Torture me? Again, it would distract…”

Interesting. Torture as a distraction?  Indeed.  I can even find chemistry a sanctuary when it gets my mind off the baggage I’m accumulating for posterity.  Beth Moore speaks frankly about her & her husband’s families when she says that they had enough baggage to hand down from generation to generation until the Lord returned…no matter how long he tarried. I fear that is what I’m building up at this very moment…and here I thought I would be one of those exceptional people who wouldn’t have any when I died.  Thus far I have the most of anyone I know…

Feedback of any kind (whether related to this disjointed post or not) is greatly appreciated!  Let me know you’re out there. 🙂


8 Responses to “sometimes you have to ask yourself….(or not)”

  1. i like your writing (though Lewis bleeds through quite a bit) its very original and your thoughts are well organized. usually. not so much this time – cause we don’t know what you’re talking about. but thats fine. don’t try to write like your sister. write like you.

    keeping secrets. who needs them? secrets are terrible things. pride and arrogance. few (rare few) secrets are good. (some are not so much secret as “now is the not the time for disclosure”).
    You should read Brennen Manning’s “The Importance of Being Foolish” you would really love that book.

    life in Christ, Manning argues, should be one of transparency. letting everything fly open, trusting completely in God. Even He does not judge you, but His Word that He spoke – do you love Him? then open up! (darnit… i’m lecturing… you just said not to do that… but then again, you asked what we thought too)
    so open up. transparency.

    Personally i don’t carry baggage. Issues? Issues I have. More than Rolling Stone. But no baggage.

  2. Keeping secrets is an interesting paradox. I don’t think it’s healthy for a human to keep themselves 100% to themselves. At the same time, it’s not healthy to unload on every stranger you meet.

    Where’s the balance? I don’t know. I feel I swing back and forth between the two extremes sometimes.

  3. Yes… ::sighs:: I probably should write coherently. 😉 Sorry. Um…yeah! I’m gonna have to have posts like this sometimes, though, otherwise…how does an author relieve steam? Next time…

  4. What are you taking about? Keeping secrets is the way to go. If someone entrusts me with a secret I’m keeping it, unless there is really compelling reason not to (like people dieing).

    I’m glad I don’t share 95% of my mind. Most of what’s up there is either to sensitive or far to individualized for others to understand without considerable refinement, which is just more work for me. Another reason to keep most everything for yourself is the simple fact that people are untrustworthy. If I can’t trust myself sometimes, then I certainly can’t trust other people. A cynical outlook? Yes. Well founded? Yes.

    Most people don’t think in a liner fashion, so being unorganized occasionally isn’t horrible. People just have to care enough to decipher it, which I gather most people reading this blog do.

  5. Hey Lydia! I need to check your blog out more often. This is a very interesting post. One I’m going to think about for a while.

  6. Thought provoking.. As you stated in the blog before this, about finding a balance between praising the past and regretting it, I think it is efficient to try to find a balance between the two extremes of keeping every… little… secret to yourself and shedding all of your baggage on some random stranger. Losing your ability to trust those who are close to you is a horrible feeling, I’ve experienced it myself. Yet at the same time you have to be mindful of what you say to others.

    Hah. I guess I’m just being confusing. Awesome post.

  7. Psht, no way: if you’re being confusing, I have some serious apologies to make for this post. 😉 I’m rarely so disjointed, but…. lol.

    I have a hard time figuring out what to trust people with. I don’t understand why I’m so bad at it, but it’s just one of those things I’m going to have to learn without any sort of practice. I guess I’ll have to know instinctively, because I’m sure not getting any real advice from anyway. 😡 Oh well.

    Yes, losing trust sucks. A LOT. Like…more than anything. 😦 I’m sorry…

  8. I am honored that you quoted me. That you read my blog even. Thank you. And no, please don’t write like me. I spend most of my time trying to figure out how to write like YOU… 🙂

    I don’t know about secrets. You know that I tend to be open. To my detriment at times. And yet I believe that there are secrets I hold which are too deadly for me to keep to myself. I understand that God is a loving God and we can do all things through Him. But He also created human companionship for a reason. We are such weak creatures.

    I believe there is a balance. Some secrets must be shared. Some must not. By God’s grace, we will have the wisdom to decide the appropriate times for sharing and not sharing.

    I love you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: